I remember one day when I was a just 10-year-old girl, I was playing with my mom, and she was making fish for lunch. I remember that day very well, it was the day I started thinking freely about God. I asked her, "Mom, I will be ten next week, How old is God?!" I remember the surprised look on my mom's face but I continued, "I remember when I was searching for myself in your wedding album with Dad, I found no photos of me. You told me then that I have not come to life yet, remember? So, God must have the first day in life where he wasn't there anyway before, right?!”

However, mom never answered such question. No one ever could. I can remember that when mom couldn’t answer, I walked upstairs to our rooftop and I had that little request to God, "Please, please, please God let me see you, I promise it will be our little secret, me and you together. Only both of us I can promise”. I stayed there for a few minutes waiting for any miracles –my Mom said God can do– but absolutely nothing happened! I was so disappointed. Although, I remember that I had that idea of imaging God as an old kind man with a long white beard and a magical stick.

Five years later, I became a teenager and I started answering those questions myself. I had many thoughts about God in my mind. Questions were like storms in my brain without any satisfying answers! Why can’t we see him? Does he really love us when we do good and hate us when we do bad? Aren’t these feelings for human beings? How can we imagine his loves, hates, gets angry, rewards or punishes?! All these feelings are only for us as human beings.

This is only a Philosophical idea about God in our minds. Maybe if we didn’t have these feelings, we wouldn’t imagine him that way. Maybe the whole idea is just a Philosophical idea we created to answer all the questions we could not find answers for. Who created this entire world? Who put these systems? Who is responsible for all of this?! In the end, I accepted that I lost in this challenge; I will never have this answer. Maybe God wanted this to be his secret. Nature seemed to make fun of me; I remember that I imagined it many times telling me to give up all these thoughts, ideas, and questions. I realize then that I really lost the challenge! Nature won, It could keep its secret and no one will figure it out.

Disappointedly, I left that point of “God” to even a more controversial point; Religion. I stopped while trying to answer this question: Is there any linkage between the existence of God and religions??! My failure in answering that led to a storm of unanswered questions; Why there are many of them with many different rituals and so similar instructions?! Aren't all these people from different religions preying on one God?! Does God prefer one of these thousands of religions?! How could people from any of these religions be so faithful in their religion in the existence of all the other ones?! How could anyone believe that his religion is the only one true?! The whole idea is crazy! Do we really need religion in our life?! Do we need it to know what is right and what is not?! I think that humanity is responsible for and I cannot see any religion preventing anyone from doing anything. Why there have to be such strict rules?!

I can’t deny that I can't stop thinking about that case, may I'll die searching. I have no idea about what is going to happen to me after death but I am sure it will be one of two things, whether I will find the answer or I will be just nothing... Something that my mind cannot take any step forward to imagine honestly. Maybe, the only thing changed with time is that I stopped waiting for signs and miracles. Thinking about this little journey, I may be started from zero reaching also zero, and maybe this is what is meant for us as humans to know. I may do not have an answer during my journey that I will continue but I am not any regretful. This journey has thought me the passion of searching for answers.

One thing I am sure of it inside me is that God is there somewhere, and whatever the way I will end thinking in him, he knows how many times I thought about him, how many questions I wanted him to answer, how many frustrating times I went through, and I am sure he will understand that better than anyone ever could. Open your windows, this entire world wasn’t created just to look to through a window and give yourself a new chance to be brave enough to introduce yourself to nature, interact with it and search for answers to your own questions.