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A Confession
05. April 2020 at 21:03
Ever felt like "why me always?" So, fresh year - fresh start? This is that kind of time. It can be, why not?

Some say every day, even every moment is a fresh start if you think. Someone I really adore thinks that it all starts in mind. I don't know about it though. Might be true, might not. I'm not sure why I'm not really excited about this new year new me shit. Maybe I'm too old to celebrate or maybe I'm feeling like it's just some other event. You know, there was a time when I used to look forward to this. But, what a terrible turn of events this year has brought. I got my articles published, I got closer to my family, I took the admission for PG which I never thought of doing, started studying hard and learned my responsibilities very hard way.. I wish I was at home this time with the ones I truly love. 

You know, all these years and especially this year, I bragged a lot about not having a hold on my life. I felt terrible, a sick girl who has nothing to do. My life wasn't going well. I lost some of my friends over ego, my articles didn't get published in the magazines I wanted to, some job offers turned me down, I thought I might die out of loneliness and anxiety, some days I literally felt like giving up everything and run away from everything and every one I know.. Like really far far away. I know I will never do that and I also do know that I will feel this all over again. Some days I amazed myself at how gratefully I handled my shit together. I celebrated each one of those days. But there were other days too. Cringing to the pillow, not leaving bed for days, unstoppable crying and always running away from everything. 

Well, maybe this is life. Maybe this is all we are experiencing. Maybe unknown even to us we are all in this together yet we are not. Maybe nobody has ever got their hold on their lives. Everybody has a different definition of success and glory. Some work hard; do whatever it takes and become glorious and some just do the "bare minimum" and get success. I guess we just can't judge anyone on the basis of what we have got. Now, this is not the excuse for failure and I know some of you are thinking this. It's just a perception. 

I tormented a lot between what I have to do and what I want to do this year. It was like a year full of confusion. But somehow I managed to find the road. Everyone does. As someone said, if there's a sun there's a moon too. Okay, I just made that up! It's more like a brighter day after a storm or something like that. I'm not going for that shitty so-called encouraging lines we read because I think we are far beyond that now. When the reality struck hard, nothing of these we remember. 


So what's the point, huh? Do we all have a point? Do we all have to have a point? What if I don't? Am I still going to make it? Well, I don't know. I haven't seen the world nor do I have attained the enlightenment. A 23 year old, broken and not so smart girl can't tell you what to do because frankly even I don't know. And I don't care. But all I can suggest is to go with the flow. Let it be. Maybe you will find your point or maybe you won't. Just don't try to steal someone else's. And oh, do let me know if you have already found it or whenever you do. I'd love to hear. 

Cite This Article As: Apurva Mane. "A Confession." International Youth Journal, 05. April 2020.

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